TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from put. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Indeed, positive, let's have Yet another location exactly where American Adult males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really Trump Tower Damascus that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he ought to cease making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a feature getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following locating the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD can have convert-down provider."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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